KSDK took my baby away

The school season is here. Soon, all those little shits who roam the streets like loud, selfie driven wild animals will be herded back into their Government approved babysitting and I can take a day off without having to shake my fist or use the hose to spray down kids on my lawn.

A growing number of parents are taking photos of their kids on their first day of school in an attempt to create some kind of photo album at the end of their high school career. Of course, most of these people don't understand how to even use the phones they have in their hands beyond taking a photo and uploading it to facebook, so I don't worry too much about my social media feed being stacked with photo albums of children smiling next to their future, scowling selves.

KDSK wants to see these photos and are urging parents to share their back to school photos. Unfortunately, the internet has hit maximum paranoia on perverts and murders and the balance is shifting from THIS IS SO ADORABLE to I'M NOT POSTING MY BABY BOY SO HE CAN GET MURDERRAPED!

Running rampant! Sounds like kids are getting snatched up left and right. However, you can do whatever you wish with your children's safety if you like. I'm sure no one will stare disapprovingly at you with pursed lips and crossed arms.

So we need societal guidelines now to keep us safe from all the sweaty dudes in panel vans. I wonder what those guidelines would be.

1. No talking to strangers. Even other children. The friends you have are accidental and you shouldn't make that mistake in the future.

2. Weekly perimeter checks of the bars on the windows to keep you properly locked in

3. Every year, the chain and lock we use to keep you secured to the couch will be replaced 

Next week's post: Why do children just play video games all day?!?!?!?

Are people under the impression that they have children that are just too pretty to not get raped? Pedophiles probably don't troll the KSDK facebook wall for new children to snap up.

I could be wrong though. If you're a pedophile and you do use the Facebook walls of local news affiliates, please comment and correct me.

What exactly is the thought process here? If we don't say where children go to school, no one will know to look in schools for children? Or they will see your child and be overcome with pedo desires.

Searching for "Saint Louis sex ring" (hey there NSA!) produced some information about human trafficking in the area, prostitution busts and a few "House of the Rising Sun" type places. It didn't bring up any underground child trafficking network. But again, I'm not too sure if these things exist or not. If you're part of an underground child trafficking sex ring, please comment below and correct me.

Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't be cautious with your children, but the next generation of kids are going to come out weird if this is the current trend of suburbanite moms. Kids who were dragged to Jazzercize or Billy Blanks Tae Bo classes, glued to a screen because they aren't allowed to run and play like the rest of us did.

Maybe I'm not paranoid enough, but your child is more likely to get abducted by your estranged ex-husband than a weirdo pedophile. Hell, it's even more likely they'll run away from home since their parents are overbearing buzzkills who take them to outdated exercise classes.

Never!