Black Friday Roundup

The holidays are upon us, and while I have some good stuff in the pipes, I decided to give a quick one today since it's a short week.

Black Friday is coming up, and the comments sections have been lighting up with all kinds of opinions on stores opening their doors the evening of Thanksgiving. No matter what side of the debate you support, there is plenty of stupid to fill the cracks in between. Stick around because I think I found the dumbest comment written all month, and like a $200 laptop at a Walmart, you gotta fight your way through some stupid to get there

Well Vicki Simon, I'm sure you're super glad you had a Target to wander aimlessly around while you questioned the meaning of your lonely, pathetic existence. I too have found myself bereft of family and crying uncontrollably in the dog biscuit aisle at two in the morning after drinking three bottles of MD 20-20 and wishing my family was around to lift my spirits. 

Of course, places will be open on Thanksgiving, such as gas stations, restaurants and movie theaters, and I'd be fine if these places wanted to shut their doors to give their employees a chance to be with their families. But if you're so emotionally stunted as a human being that you can't find something better to do other than wander the concrete halls of Chinese made consumerism, then I can't help you. No one without a doctorate and a hand full of color coded pills can help you.

Dear God, how does one choose between family and a 32 inch LED TV for a hundred bucks from Walmart? Thankfully Tiffany reached down in her heart and realized she truly is the winner by missing out on the hottest deals at Wally World. 

Also, you can literally go at any time this weekend and get the same deals. Or other times when there are sales. Or on the internet when you don't have to partake in the latest version of Bum Fights to get a cheap laptop you're only going to use to play solitaire while your husband looks up porn and gets it so infected with viruses it has to be taken behind the shed and shot.

But you chose family. I hope you can watch football on little Jimmy.

John Tucci here is just being curious about the people camping out in front of stores. I'm sure he's also like to flip through your wallet and ask what kind of credit rating you get while searching for an EBT card. Because you better not be buying TVs with food stamps because HIS TAX DOLLARS aren't to go toward you FREELOADERS!

I'm curious how many of these questions he can get through before getting punched in the face. Though on the other hand, I'm glad the shitty, angry old people of tomorrow are getting in their practice to be terrible people today.

Here's a list for you, John:

1: Go fuck yourself.

2: How far up your own ass is your head?

3: Why are you so worried about what other people are doing?

4: See #1

God damn kids and their spending. Back in Michelle's day, Black Friday meant eating with the family before walking uphill both ways in the snow to Walmart for door buster deals!

People these days hate the younger generation. I think it's because we live in a society where resources are plentiful and the younger generations don't want to get stuck in a shitty job that makes them cynical and jaded toward other people. 

But it's perfectly OK to hate Michelle. Because she's an idiot.

Here it is. It seems one day when Andrea was watching the news, one of the hamsters on the wheels of her brain woke up. That hamster was tired and surrounded by other hamsters who died from being under used, but it doggedly put foot to spoke and started to crank. 

You can almost see the expressions she made while this idea formed in her head. A squint, a tongue sticking out in concentration, maybe a little fart from physical exertion, but she got there and bashed her hammy hands on the keyboard to put her idiocy into a coherent form.

Fuck you Andrea. You are making the internet a worse place. I'd rather all the stupid thirteen year olds claiming to be in anonymous have my social security number if it meant you and your kind wouldn't be allowed on the internet anymore. You are unapologeticly stupid and unworthy of the smugness you exude.

It took thirty seconds to find the background of the Black Friday name, but you couldn't do that. You decided to take to a news station's facebook page to show off your thinly veiled racism in the form of a poorly thought out question. This comment made me physically feel a pain in my skull as I tried to comprehend how your life went to end up where you are today. 

Happy Thanksgiving, you assholes.